German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nation-wide telephone network.

Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nation-wide fibre net.

Israeli scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...

They concluded that the ancient Hebrews 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.

US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”

After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”

The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”

The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”

1 - Fine: This is the word, women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2 - Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3 - Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in Fine. (1st point)
4 - Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5 - Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of 'Nothing')
6 - That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for you mistake.
7 - Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just Say "You're Welcome."
8 - Whatever: Is a women's way of saying Kill YOU!
9 - Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to point #3.

Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause "They know it's true"

1 - At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2 - In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3 - At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you?

4 - At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:- No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.


5 - At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6 - When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

7 - When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call..
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.

8 - When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9 - At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it wont. It will just bleed.

10 - You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:- Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

One day there was a Punjabi going in a Fiat Car at 45 KMPH on a high way and enjoying his drive. Suddenly a Pathan came zooooooooooooooooming on a Honda and peeped into the car and shouted at the Punjabi 'Kabhi Honda chalaya kya?' and sped off....

The Punjabi was surprised but he did not bother.

After some time the Pathan came zoooooooooom... in the opposite direction, peeped into the car and shouted again 'kabhi honda chalaya kya?' and speed off, This time the Punjabi was annoyed , since the Pathan was teasing about his driving.

After some time again the Pathan came back speeding and said the same thing peeping into the car .

The Punjabi was about to say something but the Pathan sped off. This time the Punjabi increased his speed but suddenly stopped as he found the Pathan lying on the road, bleeding.. He got down and mocked at the Pathan ' Kyon Khan ji , Kabhi Honda Chalaye kya?'

The Pathan said arre...' Wohi to puch raha tha , Brakes kahaan hain dhoond raha tha'!!

Mum and Dad were watching TV when Mum said, 'I'm tired, and it's getting late. I think I'll go to bed.'

She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches.. Rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning.

She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the washer, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the game pieces left on the table, put the phone back on the charger and put the telephone book into the drawer.

She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung up a towel to dry. She yawned and stretched and headed for the bedroom.

She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the excursion and pulled a text book out from hiding under the chair.

She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store. She put both near her bag.

Mum then washed her face with 3 in 1 cleanser, put on her Night Solution & age fighting moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and filed her nails.

Dad called out, 'I thought you were going to bed.' 'I'm on my way,' she said. She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked and the patio light was on.

She looked in on each of the kids and turned out their bedside lamps and radios, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks into the basket, and had a brief conversation with the one up still doing homework.

In her own room, she set the alarm; laid out clothing for the next day, straightened up the shoe rack.

She added three things to her 6 most important things to do list. She said her prayers, and visualized the accomplishment of her goals.

About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to no one in particular. 'I'm going to bed.' And he did...without another thought.

Anything extraordinary here?

Judge asks a little girl: Now that your parents are getting divorced do you want to live with your mum?
Girl: No, my mum beats me.
Judge: Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.
Girl: No, my daddy beats me too.
Judge: Well then, who do you want to live with?
Girl: I want to live with the Pakistan Cricket team, they never beat anybody !!!

PROFESSOR
Akal badi ki bhais?
MUNNA BHAI
Bole toh pehlay date of birth bata mamu.

----------------------------------------------------------------
CIRCUIT
Aye Mamu, tereko papad aur jhapad mein pharak pata hai kya?
MAMU
Nehin.
CIRCUIT
To kha ke dekh le, pata chal jayega.

----------------------------------------------------------------

MUNNA BHAI
Mamu, apun bachpan mein dus maley ke building se gir gaya tha.
MAMU
Aarey, phir kya hua. Bach gaya ki tapak gaya?
MUNNA BHAI
Yaad nehin hai yaar. Bahut purane baat hai.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
MAMU
Oye, maar gayay yaar. Meri biwi aur premika saath saath aa rehla hai.
MAMU KA DOST
Arrey, mein bhi yehi bolnewala tha.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

MUNNA BHAI
Circuit, bole toh yeh Ford kya hai?
CIRCUIT
Bhai, gaadi hai.
MUNNA BHAI
Toh phir, yeh Oxford kya hai?
CIRCUIT
Bole toh, simple hai bhai, Ox mane Bael, Ford mane gaadi. Oxford bole toh Baelgaadi.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

PRINCIPAL
Agar koi ladka girls hostel mein gaya toh first time 100 Rs fine, 2nd time 200 Rs. Fine and 3rd time 500.

MUNNA BHAI

Monthly paas ka kya lega Mamu

------------------------------------------------------------------------
After finishing MBBS, Dr.Munna started his practice. He checked his first patient’s eyes, tongue, ears and finally said with grear excitement.....Bole To....Torch Thik Hai.

SOFTWARE ENGINEERS FILM BANATE TO FILM KA NAAM KUCH AISA HOTA....

1. Hang To Hona Hi Tha !!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Meri Disc Tumhare Paas Hai
3. Aao Chat Kare
4. Programmer No.1
5. Mera Naam Developer
6. Java Wale Job Le Jayenge
7. Hum Apke Memory Mein Rehte Hein
8. Do Processor Baarah Terminal
9. Tera Code Chal Gaya
10. Har Din Jo Mail Karega
11. Network Ke Us Paar
12. Debugging Koi Khel Nahi
13. Jish Desh Mein Bill Gates Rehta Hai
14. Raju Ban Gaya Administrator .!
15. Client Ek Numbari Programmer Dus Numbari
17. Naukar PC Ka
18. 1942 -- A Bug Story
19. Kaho Na Virus Hai
20. Crash Se Crash Tak
21. Haan Maine Bhi Debug Kiya Hai
22. Terminal Apna Login Parayi
23. Mr. Network Lal

Gabbar sends Kaalia and his other two colleagues to Ramgad for collecting the 'loot-maar' software which he had ordered. They reach Ramgad and start shouting:
'Abe O Thakur! Baahar nikal!! Kahan hai woh loot-maar software, jo hamne order kiya tha?'
Dhaniya, an old man comes out with a floppy in his hand.
Kaalia-'kya laye ho Dhaniya?'
Dhaniya-' Financial Accounting software hai sarkar.'
Kaalia-'Suwar ke bacche! Yeh bekar software hamare liye banaya? Aur woh loot-maar softeare kya apni beti kebaratiyon ke liye zip file mein chuppa ke rakha hai? Haraam-z@$#!!'
Thakur comes out of his house with anger, saying:
' Chillao mat Kaalia!! Jaakar gabbar se kah do ki Thakur Software waalon ne paagal kutton ke liye software banana bund kar diya hai'
Kaalia-'Bahut garmi dikha rahe ho thakur? Koi naye programmers hire kiye hain kya??'
Thakur-'Nazar utha ke dekh, Kaalia, tere sar par powerbuilder chal raha hai'.
Kaalia lifts his head. He sees Viru(Dharmendra) working on a PC on one water tank and Jay(Amitabh) on another water tank, punching the keys of a laptop.
Kaalia starts laughing and says:
'Haa Haa... Ye log programming karenge thakur? Haa Haa... in ko to DOS commands bhi nahi aate. Suno Ranmgad ke vasiyon, Thakur ne hijdon'ki software company banayi hai'
Veeru shouts:'Chup-chap chala ja kaalia. Hum log consultants hain, kuch bhi kar sakte hain'
Jay hits some commands on his keyboard. Then says:'Jao kaalia, gabbar se kehna ki uska server down ho gaya'
Kaalia-'Jaata hoon thakur. Agar gabbar ko pata chala ki thakur software walon ne uska loot-maar software nahi banaya, to wo poore network mein virus daal dega'
At the Gabbar's den...
Gabbar:'Kittne bugs thay?'
Kaalia:'Do Sarkar'
Gabbar:'Woh do! Aur tum teen. Phir bhi fix nahin kar sake? Kya soch kay aaye ho? Gabbar bahut khus hoga? Naya assignment dega, kyoon?
Iski saja milegi.. Barobbar milegi'
{Snatches an X terminal form Sambaa}
'Kitne sessions hain is machine main??'
Sambaa:'Chey, sarkar.'
Gabbar:' Session chey aur programmer teen. Bahoot naa-insafi hai
[logout....logout...logout]

Application Form To Be Filled For Contesting Indian Elections ----------------------------------------------------------------------

1. Name of Candidate : _______________________

2. Present Address
(i) Name of Jail : _______________________
(ii) Cell Number : _______________________

3. Political Party : _______________________ (List ONLY the Last Five parties in the Chronological (Order)

4. Sex: [ ]
A - Male
B - Female
C - Mayawati

5. Nationality: [ ]
A - Italian
B - Indian

6. Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more)
A - Defected
B - Expelled
C - Bought out
D - None of above
E - All of above

7. Reasons for contesting elections (circle one or more)
A - To make money
B - To escape court trial
C - To grossly misuse power
D - To serve the public
E - I have no clue (if you choose "D, attach Certificate of Sanity from a Recognized Government Psychiatrist)

8. How many years of public service experience do you possess?
A - 1-2 yrs
B - 2-6yrs
C - 6-15yrs
D - 15+yrs

9. Give details of any criminal cases pending against you (Use as many Additional Sheets as you want)

10. How many years have you spent in Jail? [ ] (Do not confuse with question 8)
A - 1-2 years
B - 2-6 years
C - 6-15 years
D - 15+years

11. Are you involved in any financial scams? [ ]
A - Why not
B - Of Course
C - Definitely
D - I deny it all
E - I see a foreign hand.

12. What is your Annual Corruption Income? [ ]
A - 100-500 Crores
B - 500-1000 Crores
C - Overflow... (Convert all your $ earning from Hawala etc to Rupees)

13. Do you have any developmental plans for India in mind? [ ]
A - No
B - No
C - No
D - No

14. Describe your achievements in space provided: [_________]
Thumb Impression of candidate (Not that of the person who filled the form)

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.

The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted 95%.

One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.
- Sydney



One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn
- Japan





One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator...
- Boston




Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror
- New York





Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat
- Italy





One hand on horn,
one hand on holding gear,
one ear listening to loud music,
one ear on cell phone,
one foot on accelerator,
one foot on clutch,
nothing on break,
eyes on females in next car,
- Welcome to PAKISTAN!

Stress reliever #1
Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?

Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.

Stress Reliever #3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.Mom: Well, you have done the right thing. Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

Stress Reliever # 4
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?""Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

Stress Reliever # 5
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."Stress Reliever # 6Girl to her boyfriend: "One kiss and I'll be yours forever." The guy replies: "Thanks for the warning."

love someone.

U marry someone else.

The one u marry becomes Ur wife or husband.

And the one u loved becomes the password of Ur mail id

There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.

There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbor has it.

Three dreams of a man:

To be as handsome as his mother thinks.

To be as rich as his child believes.

To have as many women as his wife suspects.

The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!

Enjoy!

Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress Rs 3000. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A 5-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all of your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.

One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.
- Sydney



One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn
- Japan





One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator...
- Boston




Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror
- New York





Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat
- Italy





One hand on horn,
one hand on holding gear,
one ear listening to loud music,
one ear on cell phone,
one foot on accelerator,
one foot on clutch,
nothing on break,
eyes on females in next car,
- Welcome to PAKISTAN!

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile… somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Reached Safely
Date: 21 st July, 2004
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones. I’ve just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was …

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..
...
....
.....
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Its Sachin Tendulkar

 Why do students fail in exams?
BECOZ

Eight hours of sleep each day =122 days
365-122=243

summer holidays=61 days
243-61=182

sundays in a year= 52 days
182-52=130

festival holidays= 40 days
130-40=90

3 hrs of daily routine=46 days
90-46=44

winter holiays=15 days
44-15=29

1hr of chatting per day=15 days
29-15=14

sickness days/yr = 10 days
14-10=4

film time in a yr= 3 days
4-3=1
remaining 1day is their
HAPPY BIRTHDAY…

Human brain is an outstanding object.
IT FUNCTIONS 24 hours,
52 weeks,
365 days

right from our birth…….

and stops

when we enter the examination hall.

"Daddy," said a six-year-old boy, "I'd like to get married."

"Sure, son." said his father. "Anyone special in mind?"

"Yes," answered the boy. "Grandma."

"Now, wait a minute," said his father.

"You don't think I'd let you marry my mother, do you!!"

"Why not?" the boy asked. "You married mine."

This is FANTASTIC!!!! Worth experiencing. Please try Out.


WHILE SITTING AT YOUR DESK, LIFT YOUR RIGHT FOOT OFF THE FLOOR AND MAKE CLOCKWISE CIRCLES

NOW, WHILE DOING THIS, DRAW THE NUMBER "6" IN THE AIR WITH YOUR RIGHT HAND FINGER

YOUR FOOT WILL CHANGE DIRECTIONS (ANTICLOCKWISE) AND THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

THIS WILL DRIVE YOU CRAZY

FISHERMAN
Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean
fish.
Must have own boat with motor.
Please send photograph of motorboat.



SALESMAN
Once in a lifetime offer, to get yourself the original, genuine
article. One of the most handsome and smartest bachelor's around
is now looking for a wife. And you could be the lucky one he
chooses!
Has own house, car and successful career!



ECONOMIST
I am in demand of a wife. Supply is great though my requirements
are high. However the Elasticity of my demands should not bear too
heavy a burden upon the national interest.



MATHEMATICIAN
Wife required to complete the formula of my life. Must be numerate
and understand complex algebraic logarithms. Needed to help
further my family unit.



IT CONSULTANT

Well there is definite room for improvement in my life. The speed
of my current flows of information and processes is slowing down
and the injection of a wife into my life is bound to improve
efficiency. Compatibility could be an issue.



BUSINESS MAN
Wife wanted for company.



POLITICIAN
I feel there is a need in this world, to improve the ways we live,
to harmonize the processes of life and to build upon past
differences and short comings. I believe that we the people need
someone to share our lives. To feel the joys of parent hood, and
bear the social responsibilities, as we should in a civilized
society.................(etc etc and never getting to the point)



CAR DEALER
Wanted a sturdy, reliable, low depreciating wife.Should be in
excellent working condition.



FARMER
Wanted a wife from good stock. Required for breeding.



LAWYER
I hereby propose to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for
the post of wife after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for
should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl,
with evidence to support this view that she is a girl. The girl
should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of
My Lord i.e. Myself. Any objections would be overruled and will
not be sustained. Apply in limited confidence as all liabilities
are null and void in the event of failure on our part of any kind
whatsoever.



PILOT
Wife required to complete my life. Please only level headed
applicants. She must not have her heads in the clouds, but have
her feet firmly on the ground. Her heart must be in it for the
long haul.And she absolutely must also be aerodynamically
sound!!!



BANKER
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her
service.



ACCOUNTANT
Required a girl - 5'8' & 36' 24' 36' with a good head for figures.
She must be averse to making unnecessary expenditure and her very
nature should be one of generating as few expenses in my life as
possible. She should profit from a nice personality and be a credit to her
family.



SHIRABI (A DRUNK)
Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a drinks
factory. I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends
come round. Friends come round only seven times a week. Girl
preferred who can carry me from bar to ghar-bar (bar in the
house). Meet personally in a bar or send drinks for trial. Sample
should be ample.



MINI CAB DRIVER
Hello! Hello! number 9 calling. This is number 9 I'm calling from
base, a wife is needed for pick me up. Driving license not
necessary, but map reading skills are a bonus.



BUILDER
Wanted a wife to help build upon the foundations of my life. Must
be homely and willing to build relationship from the ground up.



DOCTOR
I am looking for a wife to cure the emptiness in my life. However
if you feel the need for a second opinion then it's fine by me.



ARMY COMMANDO
My mission in life is to find myself the perfect wife. Successful
applicants must be able to use a penknife and a compass. She who
dares wins. Camouflage provided.



RACE CAR DRIVER
A model wife required to fit in with my fast track life. Must be
able to keep pace!



=============================================
Now the last one which u guys are waiting for
=============================================
Software Engineer

(){If(want to know my specifications for my wife)Goto end_of_the_mail;else exit(0);}

A beggar meets another beggar.

A software engineer meets another software engineer.

Both of them ask the same question to each other.

What is the question ???
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So, Which Platform are you Working on ???....

One Singh was enjoying the sun at the beach in America. A lady came and asked him,
" Are you relaxing?" Singh answered, "No, I am Banta Singh."
Another guy came and asked the him the same question. Singh answered,
No No Me Banta Singh!"
Third one came and asked him the same question again. Singh was totally annoyed and decided to shift his place. While walking he saw another Singh soaking in the sun. He went up to him and asked,
"Are you Relaxing?"
The other Singh was a lot more educated and answered,
"Yes, I am relaxing."
The Singh slapped him on his face and said,
"Stupid, idiot. Everyone is looking for you and your are sitting over here!"

#- You should be sure the person is Sardar when he puts lipstick on the forehead because he wants to makeup his mind.
#- Gets stabbed in a shoot-out.
#- Sends a fax with a postage stamp on it.
#- Tries to drown a fish in waters.
#- Thinks socialism means partying.
#- Trips over a cordless phone.
#- Takes a ruler to bed to see how long he slept.
#- At the bottom of the application where it says "Sign Here" he puts "Sagittarius."
#- Studies for a blood test and fails.
#- Sells the car for gas money.
#- Misses the bus no. 14, and takes the bus no. 7 twice instead.
#- Drives to the airport and sees a sign that said, "Airport left", he turns around and goes home.
#- Gets locked in Furniture Shop and sleeps on the floor.

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, 'And what starting salary were you looking for?'

The candidate said, 'In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.'

The HR Person said, 'Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a new company car leased every 2 years - starting with say, a red Corvette?'

The guy sat up straight and said, 'Wow!!! Are you kidding?'

And the HR Person said, 'Certainly...but you started it.'

A teenager lived alone with his father, and the two of them had a very special relationship. The father believed in encouragement. Even though the son was always on the bench, his father was always in the stands cheering. He never missed a game.
This young man was the smallest of the class when he entered high school. His father continued to encourage him but also made it very clear that he did not have to play football if he didn't want to.But the young man loved football and decided to hang in there. He was determined to try his best at every practice, and perhaps he'd get to play when he became a senior.

All through high school he never missed a practice nor a game, but remained a bench warmer all four years. His faithful father was always in the stands, always with words of encouragement for him. When the young man went to college, he decided to try out for the football team as a "walk-on." Everyone was sure he could never make the cut, but he did. The coach admitted that he kept him on the roster because he always puts his heart and soul to every practice, and at the same time, provided the other members with the spirit and hustle they badly needed. The news that he had survived the cut thrilled him so much that he rushed to the nearest phone and called his father.

His father shared his excitement and was sent season tickets for all the college games. This persistent young athlete never missed practice during his four years at college, but he never got to play in the game. It was the end of his senior football season, and as he trotted onto the practice field shortly before the big play off game, the coach met him with a telegram. The young man read the telegram and he became deathly silent. Swallowing hard, he mumbled to the coach, "My father died this morning. Is it all right if I miss practice today?"

The coach put his arm gently around his shoulder and said, "Take the rest of the week off, son. And don't even plan to come back to the game on Saturday." Saturday arrived, and the game was not going well. In the third quarter, when the team was ten points behind, a silent young man quietly slipped into the empty locker room and put on his football gear.
As he ran onto the sidelines, the coach and his players were astounded to see their faithful team-mate back so soon. "Coach, please let me play. I've just got to play today," said the young man.
The coach pretended not to hear him.
There was no way he wanted his worst player in this close playoff game. But the young man persisted, and finally feeling sorry for the kid, the coach gave in. "All right," he said. "You can go in." Before long, the coach, the players and everyone in the stands could not believe their eyes. This little unknown, who had never played before, was doing everything right.
The opposing team could not stop him. He ran, he passed, blocked and tackled like a star. His team began to triumph.
The score was soon tied. In the closing seconds of the game, this kid intercepted a pass and ran all the way for the winning touchdown. The fans broke loose. His team-mates hoisted him onto their shoulders. Such cheering you've never heard!

Finally, after the stands had emptied and the team had showered and left the locker room, the coach noticed that the young man was sitting quietly in the corner all alone. The coach came to him and said, "Kid, I can't believe it. You were fantastic!
Tell me what got into you? How did you do it?" He looked at the coach, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Well, you knew my dad died, but did you know that my dad was blind?" The young man swallowed hard and forced a smile, "Dad came to all my games, but today was the first time he could see me play, and I wanted to show him I could do it!"
SO - REMEMBER RIGHT NOW:

* Somebody is very proud of you.
* Somebody is thinking of you.
* Somebody is caring about you.
* Somebody misses you.
* Somebody wants to talk to you.
* Somebody wants to be with you.
* Somebody hopes you are not in trouble.
* Somebody is thankful for the support you have provided.
* Somebody trusts you.
* Somebody hears a song that reminds them of you.
* SOMEBODY NEEDS YOU TO SEND THIS TO THEM
* "Stop telling God how big your mountains are and start telling your
mountains how big your God is."
* Don't cry because it is over - smile because it happened!

 

Amitabh : apka 13th question 25 lakh yeh raha apke samne.. [Happy]

Contestant: is tensed.

Amitabh : Who is the father of Abhishek Bachan [Ignoring You]

Computer Screen:

A. Amitabh Bachan B. Laloo Prasad Yadav
C. vinod khana D. General Perverz Musharaff.

Amitabh : Apka kya jawab hai ? ( He is quite sure
that Contestant will opt for A) But still confused.

Amitabh : Apke pas do life line hai..(50:50 and phone a friend)

Contestant: I think it is A but am not sure. [Confused]

Amitabh : Not sure... Hmmm Ap kya karna chahenge?

Contestant : I would like to use 50:50? [Not Sure]

Amitabh: Ok computer , 2 galat javabo ko mita de.. [Mouth At Side]

Computer :
B. Laloo Prasad Yadav.
C. vinod khana

Amitabh is confused and tensed thinks how come the computer
has made this mistake But as is said in bollywood the show must
go on. Now Contestant is confused. Contestant: i would like to use the last life
line phone a friend..

Amitabh : Ap kisko phone karna chahenge? [Nervous]

CONTESTANT : Mein Jaya Bachan ji ko phone karna chahoonga... [A-ha!]

AB TUMHARE HAWALE WATAN SATHIYO 
1, Amitabh Bachchan, Bobby Deol's Dadaji, is unhappy with his grandson's harkatein and shoots him in the leg to teach him a lesson. This is ridiculous. I don't think any grandfather would ever do something like that.
2, An international meet on global terrorism is held in November 2002. Mr Bachchan makes an eloquent speech about hopw the US attacked Iraq. Will someone please inform the dialogue writer that the war on Iraq was declared on March 2, 2003?
3, Bobby Deol is the grandson of Amitabh Bachchan, a Sikh, but he is hardly seen in pagdi or judi. Kya Anil Sharma ke barah baj rahe the?

MUSAFIR
1, While Anil Kapoor is looking for the suitcase that he'd misplaced in a taxi in Goa, he passes a BEST bus stop. Since when has BEST extended its services to Goa?
2, After Sanjay Dutt cuts up the villain's face and pushes him into the ravine, he comes away with an absolutely clean knife, with not a drop of blood on it!

SWADES
1, Gayatri Joshi tells Shah Rukh that she gave him misleading instructions because she knew he'd come to take his nanny back. How could she have guessed that when Shah Rukh came on a surprise visit? Besides being a math wiz, was she also an astrology wiz?
2, Shah Rukh Khan talks to his colleagues at NASA in chaste Hindi and then asks whether they've understood. Yet no one protests!
3, In the climax, Shah Rukh Khan states that after returning to India, he will work at the Vikram Sarabhai Space Centre at Sriharikota. First of all, the VSSC is at Thiruvananthapuram and the Centre at Sriharikota is the Satish Dhawan Space Centre. A real blunder.

DOBAARA

Raveena Tandon escapes from the asylum after 14 years. But she has an entire wardrobe of the latest trends in clothes and make-up when she emerges, complete with red streaks in her hair! What a stylish asylum that must have been!

VEER-ZAARA
1, Preity Zinta goes to India for just one day, with just one little bag. So where did she get all those outfits she wore when she extended her stay?
2, After the bus accident, there was a wound on Preity Zinta's forehead. But it disappeared in the next scene. Yash Chopra's jaadoo?
3, Indian Railways trains with blue bogies 22 years ago? Great future planning by Yash Chopra!
4, How come the pot of ashes didn't break when it fell from such a height? Yash uncle, pot kaunsi mitti ka bana tha?
5, In 1 scene it was shown that sharukh khan was suppose to immerse the ashes in the water along with preety.but it was clearly visible that the ashes was falling on the side of the river and not on the river water.
6, In the whole movie we see preity zinta,shahrukh khan & rani mukherji Crossing indo-pak border frequently without fulfilling any visa Formalities.more surprising was to see preity zinta & divya dutta Although being pakistani nationals living in india for umpteen number Of years.can somebody tell me with whose permission all this happened As no foreign ministry /embassy official was seen from either side?
7, When Preity Zinta frihtened to highs so how come she goes on a roller coaster with Shah Rukh Khan. Can someone explain it to us?

HULCHUL
1, While Akshaye Khanna is playing basketball, Kareena Kapoor sneaks away with his bag-- which happens to be a badminton kit. Glad to know that a badminton kit can double for a basketball bag.
2, It is a rule in all girl's hostel taht no boys are allowed to enter aur raatko it is a big NO NO .So howcome Akshay Khanna entered the girl's hostel at midnight to meet kareena.Was he not checked?

FIDA
Kim Sharma gets married to a guy in London but when Fardeen Khan looks for Kim's address, it shows up as Cape Town. The director obviously hasn't studied the world map!

DHOOM
When Abhishek comes towards John's lorry in the climax, John and his men make off in the lorry without their bikes. But when the lorry is stopped, John hops onto a bike and speeds away. Now from where did that bike come?

BLACKMAIL
1, Police officer Suniel Shetty specifically orders his assistants not to shoot Ajay Devgan but in the climax they disobey the orders and shoot Ajay. Yet Suniel keeps his cool. Some restraint!
2, During a fight between Ajay Devgan and Suniel Shetty, a car hits Suniel in his legs. But the next day, it's his arm that's in a sling.

KISNA
What medicine did Subhash Ghai give Antonio Bernath for her height to increase from 5'10" to 6'2"?

"INSAN"
The terrorist blasts one of the trains standing in platform and orders TV Crew to shoot the incident openly.While the blasting episode took place in the platform there was no police to protest or arrest the terrorist who terrorized the passengers for so long. How come? Was the situation kept alive and burning for Inspector Ajay Devgun to come and complete the climax?

"VAADA".
While Amisha Patel hangs in shame the Audio system starts plying her anthim disclosure for her husband and chacha to hear. How come? Did her spirit switch on the tape recorder ? Sab kuch hota hai Bollywood mein.

ROG"
Inspector Irfan Khan manages heroine African Beauty for a night in front of so many of his colleagues.How come? Can any girl allow the inspector to have a night with her to set things right in her favour. Sab kuch hota hai Bollywood mein.

"ELAAN"
MITHUN CHAKRABORTY the dreaded executioner called Baba Sikandar surrenders to Rahul Khanna without any kind of resistance. How come ? Will any Baba Sikandar like dada ever surrender hands down like Mithun?

PAGE 3

Konkona Sen starts as a reporter of a news paper who has liking for highlighting his Page-3 with more pages for extra income. The false pomp and show published in Page-3 of the daily soon becomes a hot cake in Journalistic circle. All of a sudden Konkona Sen gets too much attached to someone called Gauri and starts pleading to Heroes and Producers for a role in any of the Bollywood movies. How come? Does Konkona surrender Journalism to her friend's cause? It just looks unrealistic indeed.

 

 

Laloo Prasad sent his Resume to Bill Gates - to apply for the post of
Software Engineer in Microsoft Corporation, USA.

To : My Deer BilVa
From : Hum Bihar se Lalwa bolot hain

Here with I apply to yor compony for the post of Softwar Enginer. I not
have any B.E/MCA degree, but I am very talent. I know yu keep only talent pepool, so I apply. I had made so mani windos on my bungala in
Patna...that to in goment fund. So I can devlop more Windos in yor compony in yor goment fund. I know you make MS-Office, I had made so many office in Bihar. I can make so many office in yor company also.

I request yo take me please.

Yours censorly
Mr. Lallu Parsad
--------------------------------------------
A few days later he got this reply:

--------------------------------------------

Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad,
You do not meet our requirements. Please do not send any further
correspondence. No phone call shall be entertained.
Thanks
Bill Gates.
--------------------------------------------

Laloo prasad jumped with joy on receiving this reply. He arranged a
press conference:

"Bhaiyon aur Behno, aap ko jaan kar khushi hogee ki hum ko Amereeca mein naukri mil gayee hai."
Everyone was delighted. Laloo prasad continued...... "Ab hum aap sab ko
apnaa appointment Letter padkar sunaongaa ? par letter angreeze main hai - isliyen saath-saath Hindi main translate bhee karoonga.

Dear Mr. Laloo Prasad ----- Pyare Laloo prasad bhaiyya

You do not meet ----- aap to miltay hee naheen ho

our requirement ----- humko to zaroorat hai

Please do not send any furthur correspondance ----- ab Letter vetter
bhejne ka kaouno zaroorat nahee.

No phone call ----- phoonwa ka bhee zaroorat nahee hai

shall be entertained ----- bahut khaatir kee jayegi.

Thanks ----- aapkaa bahut bahut dhanyavad.

Bill Gates. ---- Bilva


HOWZAAT

Take 5 simple steps to make your Windows XP 100% Genuine

1st Step:Download MGADiag.exe from Microsoft's website for the main purpose of testing after all the steps that your copy of Windows XP is genuine.

2nd Step:Download WGAPluginInstall.exe form Microsoft's web site link is

http://download.microsoft.com/download/0/7/c/07c0f33c-c936-4ae3-8602-26b22d3e8b7e/WGAPluginInstall.exe

3rd Step:Make sure that after installation you delete or rename the data.dat file in the Windows Genuine Advantage folder.You can find the file in the location C:\Documents and Settings\All Users\Application Data\Windows Genuine Advantage\data where C: is drive of the Windows XP installation.

4th Step: Next go to C:\Windows\System32\drivers\etc\ directory, and you will find the 'hosts' file, open it using Notepad or any other text editor and add the line below to the end of the file. 
127.0.0.1 mpa.one.microsoft.com

5th Step: Run MGAdiag.exe to see if your copy of Windows XP is now genuine.